Home. Family. Dinner. It takes only half an hour, we eat and talk about some meaningless shit. Then, all four of us go back to our rooms, to the kind of screens we prefer. It's been like this even before we had our laptops with my brother. I guess it was quite a few years ago. I'd wait until 10, that's when my parents fall asleep, light a spliff, turn on my radio, write and draw until 3 am, then sleep and wake up for school totally exhausted. My sleeping problem didn't start with the internet, that is for sure, but my new addiction had great support from my old routine.
So I guess we are not very communicative people. So what? Other families can't be much different. I don't even mind other families. I simply find it heartbreaking that when I was away I cried everyday and I vowed to spend as much time with my 'loved ones' as I can. I feared every fucking day that they will die, and that they will already be dead when I go home. And now that I'm here - I can't seem to be able to talk to them. I mean I stroke their back and hugged them a few times - but I know nothing about them. My brother has a new girlfriend and I don't dare to ask who she is. I should listen to my mother ranting about anything and I should forgive my father for being a douchebag. Now I teared up a little, but that's the best I can get out of me.
My life - my career - isn't going anywhere. I have none of that to be honest. I've just recently realized how everything I thought to be true about myself - my talent, my chosenness, my wit, my luck and everything - was just a big fat lie I told to myself to keep me from killing me. Now in this situation one recognizes the importance of a family, the ones who love one no matter what. As long as they are alive, I shall live. As soon as they die... I suppose I'll have nothing left.
What is my life purpose anyway? I'm stuck with a profession that repells me - ART - it's no good for anything - it's corrupt and boring. I would much rather be a musician or a filmmaker - who the fuck is interested in paintings nowadays? I don't blame them! It's dead! It's a big taboo that cannot be admitted because it'd expose the lazy mammonist ass of the professionals. Do they ever ask themselves where their life is going? I guess not, otherwise they'd see how hopeless the case is. It is in their best interest to keep the wheels going and have losers like me spin it for them.
Now the best case scenario is I get a degree which will enable me to TEACH the same meaningless crap I was taught to retarded elementary school kids.
How cool is that!
I'm not going to go into details about my lovelife now. I'm smashed anyway.
Happy Christmas Cocksuckers!
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